TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically noted for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully away from area. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let us have An additional location exactly where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: provide Everybody a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each Trump Tower Damascus device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he need to cease employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the task, replied, "You understand, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head seen from Room, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after acquiring the making's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place company could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting interest from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will likely include:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where my PTSD can have switch-down support."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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